Are you a Really Cool Dad?

Posted on August 23, 2012 by Stephen Abbott

Being a dad isn’t about rules or one perfect situation that we should all strive to achieve; fatherhood isn’t a competition. Being a Really Cool Dad is an attitude; it’s about the relationship with the children you create and you raise.

Some parents are able to provide unlimited access to clubs, schools, vacations and experiences. Other parents work two jobs just to make sure there 2/3s of enough food available and a leaky roof over their heads most nights. Most parents are somewhere in between.

Either can be fine parents and raise great kids. A guy’s actions are situational, and his intent may be honourable, but it’s his attitude—and his attitude alone—that defines his quality as a dad.

I know plenty of healthy families that follow more traditional gender roles. Dad earns a solid paycheque and provides generously for his family. Mom is a homemaker, responsible for ensuring that family unit functions smoothly. Both parents respect their own roles and those of their partner, and they respect each other.

Photo: iStockphoto

I also know plenty of families that divide roles differently, sharing the full spectrum of earning, caring and domestic tasks. They’ve shattered traditional roles in favour of their own mix. Again, both parents respect their own roles and those of their partner, and they respect each other.

I’ve even met great parents who are no longer one family. They respect their responsibility to parent their children, and don’t let the anger and frustration that broke the family apart define their role as a shared parent.

In each case, it’s the attitude the individual brings to their parent role—respect for their partner, their child and themselves—that makes all the difference.

So when people ask me what I think it takes to be called a Really Cool Dad, all I can offer is “attitude”. You have to want to be an active dad. You embrace being a parent for everything it is; imperfect, messy, chaotic and frustrating balanced with unique, adventurous, surprising, and rewarding.

No two children are the same, and no parent is best. There is no such thing as the ultimate dad. But you strive to be the best parent for the child you have in the situation you find yourself in. You grab on to this awesome responsibility and take it on. Full on.

After all, your kids are the only ones who can call you a Really Cool Dad.

Posted in Culture, Inspirations, Values | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Evil doesn’t always wear a big, black hat.

Posted on August 1, 2012 by Stephen Abbott

Bear with me. This is a long intro.

What started as a Twitter discussion about how to explain death and tragedy to children—such as the event Aurora, Colorado—became a discussion about “evil”. Unfortunately, the challenge (and the charm) of Twitter is the 140 character limit. Complex ideas are difficult to express.

During the chat I made a simple comment: “If you’re talking about WHY people kill, it’s a good time to talk about mental illness.” My point being, if you’re helping young children to understand why someone would consider, plan and carry-out such an horrific act, it might be a good time to help kids understand that some people suffer from mental illness. I don’t have the stats, but I suspect that many mass murderers have had visits with psychologists or counsellors at some point.

(Note that I didn’t imply nor do I believe that mental illness is an excuse for murder. I want to make that perfectly clear. I also have no authority to diagnose—I am just assuming.)

“I think it’s a mistake to say all (mass) killers are mentally ill” tweeted Bruce Sallan, the host of #DadChat.

I hadn’t said all mass killers are mentally ill, but I wanted to stress the bigger point that I was trying to make. I replied, “Other than gangs, when is mental illness not a factor in mass killings? Talk may remove stigma of getting needed help.”

Again, tweets limit explanation. My point was simply that there is a social stigma to mental health issues, and many people don’t seek the help they need or find help for someone they love. Strong emotions are normal, but when depression, delusion or obsession start to affect our behaviours, we need to seek help to understand.

When a tragedy occurs, perhaps it’s a good time to talk with your children—in an age appropriate way—and let them know that it’s okay to talk with people they trust, especially about feelings of violence or anger. Most are normal feelings that pass, but sometimes we need the help of our family, community or professionals.

Bruce’s next tweeted replies inspired this blog post. “- some people are evil – that is not necessarily mental illness…”

“Really? What makes them evil?”, I asked.

Bruce replied, “- well, THAT debate is basic, Stephen – I believe people are good and evil…perhaps, you don’t?”

“No, I guess I don’t. My experience w/ “Evil” is best articulated in blog post; I hope you will comment when I post it.”

And that brings me to this post about bad guys; thoughts that have been sitting in my head for a while. (Bruce offered to read and comment, so if you’re reading this, and you’re Bruce, welcome. I look forward to the discussion beyond 140 characters.)

Evil doesn’t always wear a big, black hat.  

In stories, evil characters are interesting characters. They give heroes a nemesis; a raison d’etre. I understand why stories need villains.

In the pop-culture stories we share with kids, bad guys are always absolute villains. Their very existence is rooted in a mission to do selfish, evil things. They steal; they kill; they hurt; they destroy; they cheat. Everything they do is bad and selfish. They are obviously evil, and their actions are almost always sinful. Look at Lex Luthor, Green Goblin, Joker, Maleficent, or the Wicked Witch of the West, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, … even Yosemite Sam is chronically mean.

However, storybook villains are simply a metaphor.

Like many young kids, my son fantasizes about being the hero who will save the world from villains. He tells me what he will do if he ever has to confront “evil” bad guys, and it’s cute. I admire his moxy to stand up for what’s right. I am concerned, though, that he believes villains are easy to spot and any confrontation in his life will only come from evil.

I’ve never met an evil villain. I’ve met people I don’t like; people who cheat; people who have different values from me; even people who have committed crimes. As much as I think these people are acting bad, or have made poor choices, I don’t believe they are “evil” in the way storybook villains are evil. Real life ‘bad guys’ are far more subtle.

I want to make sure my son knows how to deal with people he disagrees with, people who want something that conflicts with his own values, or people who play by the rules but aren’t playing “fair”. These are people he will encounter every single day, and they are not evil. Misguided, maybe. I would even say ignorant, for some.

I believe that all people are essentially good, but selfish. I don’t believe human beings are inclined to do things that harm or affect others until our own basic needs are compromised. I don’t believe humans are evil, but they do make choices that push the limits of basic needs. They push the limits of selfish.

Which brings me back to mental health. We need to be aware of mental health issues, and how they amplify our selfish inclinations and cause us act out. When we slip too far—delusions, narcissism, sociopathy, psychosis—it’s dangerous.
I think it’s too easy to claim that someone is simply evil, and effectively wash our hands of the problem. To ignore mental health issues—a diminished capacity to interact with other people without causing harm—is where we are breaking down as a society.

So I want my son to know that bad people aren’t just evil. I want him to know that some people just want something or do something that we don’t like. And I want him to know that sometimes regular people need help to work through confusing thoughts. Sometimes our brains break, and we should seek help.

And yes, he can also learn how to confront a truly evil villain, should the need arise.

(Note: Most people with mental health problems would never consider an act of violence such as the ones we see in Aurora, Virginia Tech, Columbine, Fort Hood, École Polytechnique, … well, the list is far too long. And, tragically, there have been people in history who are so effective at living within their sociopathy that they have been able to carry out horrific atrocities. We will continue to condemn them and their actions, but we also need to understand how we could help, if at all.)

Posted in Current News, Rules, Thinking Differently, Values | Tagged , , , , , | 8 Comments

Let’s keep this a secret.

Posted on July 13, 2012 by Stephen Abbott

“Let’s keep this a secret.” These words are poison.

One of my parenting fears that never goes away is sexual abuse—the lifelong pain that victims carry cannot be underestimated. I will do everything in my power to keep my child safe, but at the same time, I don’t want to be the parent who never lets my child out of my sight. I’ve had to adopt a few tools.

One of those tools is a rule about secrets.

If anyone—adult, child, teacher, coach, friend, relative, police officer, …anyone—ever asks my child to keep a secret, my child will tell me. Even if his mother asks him to keep a secret he will tell me. And he won’t be punished at all for telling, regardless of how harmless the secret was and how much telling me affects the teller or the activity. He’s not being a tattle-tale or hyper-sensitive.

This simple rule is for his protection, and it has worked.

Of course, this poses a problem when we buy gifts. “Don’t tell mom we’ve got her a new (insert great gift) for her birthday.” Obviously we want to keep the information from her until her special day, but until we do, it’s a surprise.

While adults navigate the semantics between ‘surprise’ and ‘secret’, my child is pretty clear. A surprise has a clear and reasonable date for when the surprise is over. If the scenario doesn’t have an end date—a birthday or any other clear moment in time when we will tell everyone being kept in the dark—it’s a secret. It doesn’t matter what the teller calls it. And secrets are wrong.

Photo: istockphoto

This simple rule is in place because thousands of kids are victims of sexual predators who use “secrets” to hold the kids captive in plain sight. This tactic may not be enough—predators are always thinking of ways to manipulate children—but it’s a start.

This has proven effective. The school counsellor asked my son to keep a secret from another child, and the first thing my son did was tell me. The secret was harmless; he was asked to help support a troubled boy, and the counsellor didn’t want to embarrass anyone. The fact that my son told me is pure parenting gold.

As a parent, being shared secrets means I am ready to hear things that are weird, silly, uncomfortable or even things that may ruin a special moment. That’s okay. So far, every secret shared has been innocent and harmless. So far.

One day my son will understand the value of a secret. One day, he won’t be at risk of predator adults.

Posted in Education, Rules, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

The future of Dad’vertising.

Posted on July 11, 2012 by Stephen Abbott

It’s no secret that positive dad examples in advertising are still few and far between. There are plenty of daddy-bloggers squawking in the blogosphere about Huggies, Oscar Mayer, Philips Norelco and any number of consumer product companies who have stumbled when it comes to respecting the modern role of fathers. Dads are used as the poster-child of the unskilled parent, as bumbling comic relief, or as an unsuspecting target in a cheap marketing play. Or, as in the case with P&G, dads are simply ignored in the successful family unit.

It’s common, and it’s disheartening.

Photo source: iStockphoto

This has dad advocates upset. (Can we call ourselves dad-vocates?) Companies portraying fathers  as being a lesser parent should know that those of us trying to change the perception will fire up the bandwagon and storm into town.

Let’s be clear about something, though. Getting upset with companies and advertisers who simply don’t target dads isn’t going to accomplish anything. The goal of all advertising is to influence consumers, period. Companies are not responsible for solving society’s issues; they are responsible to their shareholders.

So when a company like P&G chooses to celebrate moms with their Thanks Mom Olympic campaign, dads aren’t doing themselves any favours being upset. It looks petty, and it doesn’t change the facts. Companies know that mom is still a bigger influence on family purchases. Mom—in general—is still the major consumer.

Advertisers have one goal; to get you to choose their product. They try laughter, empathy, temptation and blunt force commands to draw attention from the people who make choices. They call it the target audience. Moms are the target, because moms respond.

And he told two friends.

If dads want this to change—to see more positive reflections of dad in consumer advertising— the change must start with us. Here are three things we need to do if we want companies to target dads as parents.

  1. Make active decisions on parent driven purchases. Not just the family car or vacations, but groceries, school supplies and household products—the products that advertise the most and get purchased often. Have an opinion and voice your opinion. A lot.
  2. Be a community voice, not just a man’s voice. Dad conversations have a tendency to be selfish—an ego driven preference rather than an recommendation. If you want companies to pay attention, think beyond the walls of your own house and speak to benefit of the whole community.
  3. Care enough to talk about issues with products, not just advertising. Care enough to make honest recommendations to friends and respond to recommendations from others. Care enough to make suggestions, not just hurl criticisms. Make it not only normal among dads, but expected.

Do you notice a common theme? Talk.

Talk about product benefits and product problems with other dads and families. Share your experience and empathize with others. Ask for recommendations. That’s what moms do—they leverage the message. That’s why companies pay attention to them.

I know, it’s probably not gonna happen anytime soon. Companies know it, too, and that is why they don’t worry about marketing directly to dads. Not yet.

The Huggies campaign deserved our wrath. Dad’s inability to parent was the point of the message, and it was insulting. But if we hurl our criticisms onto every company and product that simply doesn’t target us as a consumer in a campaign, we diminish the value of the times our wrath really does matter.

Posted in Marketing, Thinking Differently | Tagged , , | 1 Comment